>I thought for a while I was entering a new era of life. I allowed myself to be caught up in a few careless comments and actions. I dove wholeheartedly into the possibility of falling in love. I gave my heart to the Lord and let myself be vulnerable to the possibility of heartbreak, all the while praying that my heart wouldn’t be broken and that my heart would be cherished by the one whom I wanted to love me. The Lord allowed me to be disappointed.
I identify myself with the character of Jane Eyre and am taking her words to heart. They are becoming my new mantra and I will not allow myself to be the victim.
When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination’s boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.
Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night–of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rabidly devoured the ideal;–I pronounced judgment to this effect:-
That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.
“YOU,” I said, “a favourite with Mr. Rochester? YOU gifted with the power of pleasing him? YOU of importance to him in any way? Go! your folly sickens me. And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference–equivocal tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man of the world to a dependent and a novice. How dared you? Poor stupid dupe!–Could not even self- interest make you wiser? You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night?–Cover your face and be ashamed! He said something in praise of your eyes, did he? Blind puppy! Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness! It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior, who cannot possibly intend to marry her; and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it; and, if discovered and responded to, must lead, ignis-fatus-like, into miry wilds whence there is no extrication.
My heart has been injured, but I will not allow the seeds of bitterness to grow and make my heart hard. I will choose to surrender daily to the Lord’s loving care. He is refining me and though it is not always comfortable, I trust Him. When I told my dearest friend Hannah of my sorrow, she exhorted me to read Psalm 73:21-28. I have taken verses 25-28 to heart.
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And besides You I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But my God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works.”
The Lord is my portion forever. No man or dream can replace a relationship with the Lord. I will remember that and tell of His works in my life.