>In the days of wearing dresses and hairbows to play on the playground, I knew one day I would get married and be a wife and a mother. I put my baby siblings in my doll bed and doll stroller and pretended they were my own children. My best friend, Keely, and I played house, making our brothers be the men. They were commanded to go hunt something so we could cook dinner. Every book I read taught me that one day it would be my turn to fall in love and have my own children. I watched my parents as they interacted with each other and nurtured me. Never did it cross my mind that a man like my dad would not pursue me one day. I know that God created me as a helpmate, like he created Eve for Adam. I know that He gave me these desires.
So would God create me to be a helpmate and give me the desires to be a wife and a mother, but plan something else for me? At this stage of my life, I have fewer and fewer single friends. It seems the era of weddings is coming to an end and I’m entering the era of babies. Of the single friends I do have, there is a common thread of conversations that asks this same question.
This question tends to lead to a whole host of other questions that my friends and I have asked: have I missed my chance because I said no to someone I shouldn’t have? Did the guy I’m supposed to marry not give me a chance? If I am to be single, what do I do with the desires to be a helpmate? So you may argue that I don’t need to be worried yet…I still have plenty of time to meet and marry someone…I realize this. I’m just saying….
Lately, I’ve found myself with the gut feeling that I’m not going to get married. I shared it with my family and my dad promptly responded, “that’s because the Lord is coming back really really soon! I just know it!” Maybe it really is an instinct…maybe the Lord is preparing me for something else. My fear though, is that it’s a resignation; an unwillingness to trust the Lord with my heart.
All of my wonderings and worryings and failings prompt me to once again surrender myself to the Lord and choose to trust Him. The last time I wrote I mentioned a hymn called “Satisfied,” that I had heard at church. When I googled the lyrics, Red Mountain Church was at the top of the list. They have produced several albums of rearranged hymns. In staying this last week and a half with Mandie, she’s fully introduced me to their music. As I sit here writing, I’ve been listening to one of their albums and am struck by a hymn by Charles Wesley:
- Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.
- Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.
- Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.
- Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
More than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name,
Source of all true righteousness;
Thou art evermore the same,
Thou art full of truth and grace.
- Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
Grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound;
Make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
Freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart;
Rise to all eternity.
What theology! I’m reminded of my sin and my need for Jesus. How is it that I so often choose to wallow in my self-misery instead of choosing to live with joy that Jesus Christ has saved me? He has saved me and his grace covers all my sin! Lord Jesus, make and keep me pure within. You are the fountain of life. Let me take freely from you. Spring up within my heart! Jesus, that is my cry.