>Recently I was strolling along the battery and waterfront with two friends discussing what type of boat best represents our personalities and/or lives. Though I’d like to be a sailboat, sometimes my life feels more like a small rowboat. We moved on to discussing what our names would be and I was at a loss as to what I would name my little boat, until I read an article on Boundless about the ship of singleness. That is me…I’m “Single at Sea.” The author of the article, describes the conflict between the desire to get married and the uncertainty that God is calling her to get married. She writes, “Often I feel like a capable captain aboard my little ship, but other times I sit down very small and swallow a lump in my throat as I face out at that big, big world. The waves lapping at my boat are the only sound. Still, as unsteady as my footing can feel, being out at sea is an adventure with a lot to teach me….. Life as a single woman may feel frighteningly untethered, but all this expanse of sky has a lot to teach me about the vastness of God and His infinite wonder, power and love. Singleness can be lonely, yet that loneliness makes a space where God can — and often does — speak.”
I would say that I rarely feel like a capable captain and more and more all I hear are the waves lapping at the sides of my boat. I graduate in just over four months and I’m waiting on the Lord to provide a direction. Do I go on to graduate school or do I stick with an RN? Where do I live and work while I get some experience? My heart beats for those who have never heard of Jesus, but I fear going back overseas by myself. I know the One Who Goes With me will lead me and care for me, but I struggle with the fear of loneliness, the fear of having to make decisions on my own, and the fear of failure. Though marriage may resolve some of those fears, it brings with it a new set of fears and struggles. This I know intellectually, but still I desire it. Where do I go from here is the question that plagues me continually.
Though I may not fully be content with my situation and though I have no idea what the future holds, I have to echo the words of the above mentioned author:
“Ultimately, singleness is teaching me that the horizon is forever. As long as we are finite beings following an infinite God, Spirit-driven sailors floating down paths that only He can see, we will always face a future that is shaped, not like a safe human construct, but like God Himself. I’ll settle down on my little ship tonight, swallow away my human confidence, and glory in all the possible futures that lay before me.”
Father, I am following You wherever you lead me. Like the wind, I cannot see you, but you fill my little sails and take me on a never ending journey. I choose to trust you with the present and the future. For “not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus…but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14