>Numbness

>Hypothermia is where I’ve been for the last few weeks…. I knew to be on guard against hardening my heart or growing bitter… but I was blind-sided with feelings of numbness. On one hand, it’s a comfortable place to be for a while. Numb fingers and toes no longer feel the pain of coldness… they don’t feel anything. On the other hand, they’re in danger of tissue death due to frost bite. And there it is, my heart is in danger of death because of a general lack of any emotion. I was warned that self-protection was a trap, only meant to hurt me. I thought I was fighting against it and failed in the process because I was unprepared for the dangers of being anesthetized.

This comatose state has moved from my heart to the rest of my life. Rather than being overwhelmed by school I find myself in a position of not caring very much. Even worse it’s affecting my quiet times with the Lord. I don’t want pieces of my heart and mind to die. I want to be revived, renewed, and refined. In nursing school, assessing the problem (numb heart) is the first battle. Despite having succeeded in discovering and/or admitting the problem, I don’t know where to go from here. I have friends who are holding me accountable to not settling for complacency and I am so thankful for them. What irony to know the problem and not know how to change it.

In the end, I’m tired of feeling numb and yet I’m scared of being vulnerable to all the emotions I could be feeling right now.

One response to “>Numbness

  1. >Beautiful description, Rachel! How difficult it is sometimes, to be human. I will definitely be praying for you.-EmilyBreathe in me, Holy Spirit, that all my thoughts may be holy. Act in me, Holy Spirit, that my work too, may be holy. Draw my heart, Holy Spirit, that I may love what is holy. Strenghten me, Holy Spirit, that I may defend all that is holy. Guard me then, Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.

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